


Silent scream for love

by Polarnacht



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Canon-Typical Violence, First Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Parabatai, Torture, Wings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-05
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:08:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21681991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polarnacht/pseuds/Polarnacht
Summary: Valentine is still building his army to take control over the entire Shadow World. He is leading without mercy, every means acceptable to bend his followers to his will. His son, Jonathan, suffers  the most under his hard regime. His world is full of pain and torture, without friends or parental affection. So when he gets a “present” to his 16th birthday, he is not sure how to deal with it.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland, Jalec
Comments: 31
Kudos: 52





	1. Dusk

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there, this fic will be a bit darker than my previous ones - so make sure to read the tags! I hope you'll enjoy it though!

The day of Jace’s 16th birthday started as any other day. Jace was waking up at the crack of dawn, hitting the training room as soon as he had finished his breakfast. He knew better than to expect a special treatment only because it was his birthday. When he had been younger, Valentine had given him presents, mostly new weapons, or specials, like cooking Spaghetti with him. But this had been at a time, where Valentine still had believed in his son, believed that he would become a great warrior like Valentine himself. Lately, Jace had felt the growing disappointment towards him, the punishments getting worse every time he failed a task his father had set. Jace doubled his efforts, at least in some areas, some things like torturing he just could not bring himself to do, no matter how harsh his punishment was. 

When Valentine entered the training room, a diabolic smile on his lips, Jace grew instantly suspicious. Normally his father didn’t supervise his regular training sessions, so what did he want? He tried to focus on the one to one training, he was fighting against one of the closest followers of his father – with real weapons of course. Valentine had never been a fan of training weapons, how could someone learn when the lesson was not painful? Jace was glad that he got the upper hand in the fight, disarming his opponent with a sharp kick and pointing his seraph blade to the other man’s throat. Valentine clapped his hands slowly, coming to face Jace. “Well done my boy, you earned yourself a present.” Leading the way to Jace’s room, Jace had no choice but follow, not being able to suppress the feeling of unsettledness. Something was definitely off.

When Jace opened the door to his room, he could not comprehend the scene at first. On the floor lay a boy, the most gorgeous boy Jace had ever seen. The boy clearly was not there at his own account, the ripped t-shirt showing bare skin covered in blood due to many cuts and bruises. Hands and feet were bound together so that he couldn’t move at all. In addition, the boy was gagged. Jace helplessly stared at him, clearly lost for words. Valentine however just grinned madly at him “Happy Birthday Jonathan. I’ve got you another pet for your birthday. Make sure you don’t screw it up like your last one.” “Thank you father” Jace replied automatically. With that, Valentine left, the clear thread still hanging in the air. 

Jace stood frozen, watching the boy laying on the floor. The boy was looking at him with huge wide eyes, fear clearly written in the warm brown hazel color. When Jace finally approached him, the boy tried to scoot backwards, due to his shackles without much success. Jace was terrified, maybe nearly as terrified as the boy. He instinctively knew why his father had given him this “present”. He was supposed to make the boy obedient and rule him like his father ruled the circle. Brutal and merciless. Otherwise he would kill him, like he had killed Jace’s falcon so many years back, when the boy had tamed and loved the falcon instead of forcing his will on it. To love is to destroy Jace thought, a sick feeling boiling in his stomach. 

Holding his hands up to show the boy that he was unarmed, he approached him slowly. First, he removed the gag from the boy’s mouth. Then he continued to remove the bonds on the boy’s ankles, explaining the boy who he was and that there was no use in trying to fight or flee. They were on a ship with no way out, many had tried, every single one had died. The lucky ones a quick death through the protective wards which surrounded the entire ship, the not so lucky had been caught and tortured to death by Valentine and his loyal followers. No one was able to leave or enter the ship without Valentine’s explicit agreement. When he had freed the feet, he continued with the hands, looking at the boy. “Will you fight me?” he asked. Slowly the boy closed his eyes, clearly trying to suppress tears. He shook his head. When the boy was freed, Jace examined the wounds on the boy’s abdomen and chest. They looked not too severe, Jace stated with relief. While running his fingers over the taller boy’s body to see if something was broken, he felt the boy tensing from head to toe. “Please don’t...” whimpered the boy, clearly embarrassed by the sound he had made. Quickly Jace withdraw his hands, realizing what the other thought he would do. He felt himself blush and shook his head, reassuring the boy that he would not hurt him or touch him. He just wanted to take care of the wounds.

“What’s your name?” he asked softly, while he applied several healing runes. After a long silence, the boy clearly considering his options, he told Jace his name, Alec. Alec Lightwood. When hearing the last name, it became obvious to Jace that this was not only meant to be a punishment for him, but also for Alec’s parents. The Lightwoods were traitors, they had left the Circle when the Circle had been under pressure. Valentine hated traitors even more than Non-Believers who had never joined him. So when the opportunity came up, he didn’t kill Maryse and Robert Lightwood. No, he captured their oldest son in front of their eyes, promising them that they would never see him alive again, that he would enslave Alec and twist him till nothing of the real Alec would be left. 

When Alec was healed, Jace gave him a wet cloth to clean himself and offered him one of his own shirts. Jace was glad that the boy was still wearing his pants, most probably meaning that he had not been raped, something a lot of man (and women) enjoyed. Alec was still crouched on the floor, too afraid to move. He did as he was told, cleaned himself and slid in the new shirt. Finally, Jace sat down next to Alec, making sure that he was not touching him. They looked at each other silently, both lost in their own world of thoughts. Jace had no idea what to do with Alec, the only thing what was clear for him was that he would not give his father any reason to kill or punish the boy.

To guarantee this, he needed a plan. Deep down he knew what his father wanted, that he wanted him to break the boy, but he knew that he would never do this to a person, especially not to the frightened boy sitting next to him, towards whom Jace felt strangely protective. He had to make sure that Alec understood the severity of the situation. Which wouldn’t be much of a problem, Jace supposed. In addition, he needed the boy to understand that they could act differently in his room than out of it. Outside, they could not trust anybody, outside they would have to play the game to which Valentine dictated the rules. 

Maybe most importantly, Jace had to make sure that Alec trusted him. He didn’t understand why, but he needed the other one to trust and believe him. “Are you hungry?” he asked, and when the boy tentatively nodded he got up to take some of the food he always hid in the cupboard and offered it to Alec. Jace never knew when his father would get angry at him and decided that starving Jace was a splendid way to teach his son a lesson. While the boy started hungrily to eat, Jace realized how late it had gotten. His father would never forgive him if he neglected his training or his other tasks, therefore he needed to leave. He made his way to the door, turning to Alec. “Eat as much as you want and then, uh, make yourself comfortable”. Jace blushed, what a stupid thing to say. As if the boy could feel comfortable under these circumstances. To not say anymore stupid things, he stepped quickly through the door, closing it and locking it with a rune behind him.


	2. Nightfall

When he returned late at night, Jace’s body was aching. They had been on a hunt for a vampire nest, and they had underestimated the size of it. In the end they had been able to kill every vampire, but not without being bruised themselves. After the mission, Valentine had interrogated Jace about Alec. Jace got his suspicions confirmed, that Valentine had taken Alec to revenge the betrayal of his parents. He was glad to learn, that Valentine would give Jace free hand to treat Alec as he deemed fit – as long as he made sure that Alec showed only obedient behavior. Valentine expected Alec to be a training partner to Jace, only speak when spoken to and so one. More or less the usual things Valentine expected from his followers any way. Otherwise he had to remain in Jace’s room. Valentine reassured Jace that he could do “whatever” he wanted with him, hinting not so subtlety at the fact that he was very well aware that Jace liked boys more than girls. Jace swore to himself to make sure that Valentine would never find out how much he in deed liked the other boy.

Jace opened the door to his room, finding Alec asleep on the ground in a sitting position. Alec’s eyes flew open instantly, his whole body tensing and subconsciously clenching his hands into fists, reading himself to fight. Jace closed the door, standing very still. “You know there is no point in fighting me. Even if you win, which I doubt, there is no place for you to go. You will never make it from this ship alive”, he told the boy again. It was clearly visible how much willpower it cost Alec to force his body to relax. But it seemed that he knew that Jace was telling the truth. “You don’t need to sleep on the floor, you can sleep on the bed with me” Jace offered, but the boy just shook his head. Jace shrugged, offering him a thin spare blanket instead, which Alec reluctantly took. 

They settled into a strange rhythm. In the morning and in the evening Alec was allowed to eat in the kitchen with Jace, he was not allowed to sit down but at least he got food twice a day. He accompanied Jace to his training sessions in the morning and in the afternoon. At the beginning, he hold back afraid to be punished if he won against Jace, but soon he learned that it was expected of him to go full force against Jace. He was not allowed to talk to anyone, he had to held his gaze down, doing exactly what he was told. Jace could tell how much Alec hated every single thing of it, except maybe the trainings with him, where at least he could fight back. But Jace also knew that there was nothing he could do about it. 

When in their room, Jace tried to talk to Alec, but he only ever got polite, short answers. Sometimes Jace caught Alec staring at him with so much loathing, it made him feel sick. He still felt the need to show the other boy that he was different from his father, but apparently with not much success. He never pushed Alec to anything inside their room, hoping that some day Alec would feel somewhat safe here and would start to trust him. 

After a couple of quiet days a mission, in which Jace was participating, went downhill. Of course, Valentine blamed Jace. He escorted the blond to a special room, where different torture instruments were displayed, chains dangling from the ceiling to keep the prisoner in place while being dealt with. Valentine took his time to choose the right instrument, fully aware what this did to Jace. Finally, with a satisfied grin on his lips, he chose a leather scourge, a multi-thong whip to inflict sever pain and horrible wounds. At the sight of it Jace paled visibly, gritting his teeth to not let a sound of horror slip through. He war terrified, but determined to not let it show. Valentine wrapped the chains around his son’s wrists and pulled them above his head, forcing him to straighten up. The boy shivered and stifled a scream when the first lash hit his bare back. And then second followed and a third. Soon Jace lost track how many times he had been hit. 

Valentine had whipped him before, but never to that extend. But Valentine was angry, a lot of missions had not been going according to plan lately, the Clave seemed to know in advance where he wanted to strike next. So his son was a welcome distraction and he put every bit of anger in every lash he gave Jace. The whip came down again and again on the boy’s back, leaving trails of blood. Soon there was nearly now skin left, the strikes to the raw flash even more painful than before. Jace couldn’t help the screams coming from his mouth or the whimpers at the end, when his throat was too hoarse to scream. He hated himself for it but was not able to control it. When Valentine eventually threw the whip away, Jace just stood there, covered in his own blood, his legs shaking, arms still stretched uncomfortably above his head. He looked pleadingly at his father, but said nothing. He knew better than to beg, he had learned long ago that it wouldn’t help him as his father hated any display of weakness. So he tried to hold himself upright to show his father his strength. When Valentine nodded curtly, he sighed silently with relieve. The nod meant that he was allowed to use an Iratze later in his room, something he was not allowed to do every time. Sometimes Valentine preferred it that Jace healed the slow, mundane way, the wounds likely to scar. 

Jace was glad that he made it to his room without falling. His whole body hurt beyond measure, his back was a bloody mess. Even with the allowance to use the healing rune, he was sure that enough scars would remain. He collapsed to his bed, not able to move any further. For a moment, he had indeed forgotten that Alec was in his room. The loud gasp from Alec reminded him again of the fact that he was not alone. From experience he knew that he was not far from fainting, he needed to heal himself before that. Wordlessly he tried to fumble his Stele out of the back pocket of his jeans, causing a wave of paint hitting his body. A loud hissing noise left his lips, the pain was overwhelming. Jace felt Alec coming closer, taking his Stele. Without saying a word, Alec draw several healing runes on Jace’s back. Instantly, Jace felt the pain fade away, not completely but he felt way better. The wounds knitted themselves together, every closed wound easing the pain. When Alec was done with the runes, Jace tried to push up to his elbows, to say something to Alec, maybe making a joke about the situation. He hated being so vulnerable, to show so much weakness. But before he could even start to speak, he was pushed back on the bed by firm, but at the same time surprisingly gentle hands. “You need to rest, let yourself heal properly.” Tentatively, Alec brushed away a strand of hair that was falling in Jace eyes. “Did your father do this to you?” he said with a soft, sad voice. Jace could only nod. Both boys remained silent for a while, not knowing what to say. The clear horror of this development was written all over Alec’s face. 

After a while, Alec broke the silence. “You and your father…” his voice trailed off, clearly at loss for words, but the unspoken question hanging in the air. Jace didn’t look up at him, but started to speak in a low, uncertain voice. “I hate him. Him and his followers and his views, his sick plan of ruling the world. But it was not always like this. When I grew up, all I ever knew was my father and his stories. He was such a great fighter and warrior; I just wanted to be like him. I did everything he wanted from me, trained, fought and studied as hard as I could, just to get his approval. I admired him. And I thought he was right. He told me plenty of stories about Downworlders killing Shadowhunters and Mundanes without any reason and without mercy – and as Shadowhunters it is our duty to protect the Mundanes. So I truly believed for a time that Downworlders were monsters, not able to control their primal, evil instincts and therefore should be wiped from this world for good. That they needed all to die to better this place, to save this world. But when I grew older, I realized how sick some of his ideas were. We went on missions together a lot. Once, we raided the home of a werewolf family, mother, father, two kids. The boy was supposed to have turned a mundane. When we arrived at the house, the boy was gone. My father killed the parents, but spared the girl to torture her. He put silver coins on the eyes of the little girl to force her to reveal her brother’s hiding spot. I will never forget her screams. This was when I finally realized that there were no monsters out there beside my father and me.” 

After his confession, Jace felt oddly at peace and drifted away to sleep easily. But not for long. From time to time, he was hunted by nightmares, usually triggered by one of Valentine’s treatments. When he woke up, screaming and covered in his own sweat, he felt a soothing hand on his head, running gently through his hair. He opened his eyes to see Alec standing over him, humming lightly to calm him down. Without saying a word, Alec slipped under the cover beside him, laying one arm around Jace, making sure not to touch any of the barely healed wounds. With a sigh, Jace closed his eyes again, feeling strangely safe, a sensation he had not felt for a very long time. 

From that one, their situation got better and worse at the same time. Better, because Alec started to open up to Jace. They really started to talk, Alec telling him of his former life, his sister Izzy and brother Max. Jace opened up more about his father, his cruel upbringing and his father’s plans for him. It was the first time in Jace’s life that he felt like he had a friend. 

Their situation got worse, because Valentine stayed in his bad mood. When first he was satisfied to punish Jace, he soon started to take out his anger on Alec, too, even if Alec never did anything against the rules. At night, both boys let down their guards and clung to each other, seeking comfort in the physical closeness.


	3. Darkness

One day, punishing the boys separately himself was not enough for Valentine anymore. When another mission went wrong, he stood with a whip in front of them, handing the instrument of torture over to Jace. “Whip him” he commanded in a cold voice. Jace froze, a cold shudder of terror running down his spine. This would end badly. He shook his head, despite knowing this would enrage his father even more. Valentine hated disobedience like nothing else. But he just could not do that. Not to Alec. When Valentine realized that Jace refused him, a cruel smile appeared on his face. “Very well my boy. I will teach you what it means to defy me.” He took back the whip, calling for two of his closest supporters. When they appeared, he handed over the scourge to them. “Punish him.” But to Jace’s great surprise and horror, Valentine didn’t point to him, but to Alec. “Punish his pet to teach him how it is done. Make it last, it seems Jonathan needs a sorrow lesson.” Automatically Jace tried to leap forward, to cover Alec, to protect him, but one of the warlocks in the room had cast an immobilizing spell on him, so that he could do nothing more than stand there and watch and listen.

The two men took their time with Alec, enjoying every strike and blow. First, they started to attack him with fists and kicks, till the boy was laying on the ground, choking on this own blood. Alec tried to shield his head, but merciless hands grabbed his arms and hold them apart while the other one was kicking and punching at him, till his eyes were swollen, his lips cracked open and his nose broken. Apparently satisfied with the view, they went over to his upper body. Jace could hear some rips breaking while the men kicked relentlessly at Alec. And they had not even yet begun with the actual whipping. The taller one of the men forced Alec to stand up. Suddenly a chain emerged around Alec’s wrists, binding his hand high above his head, forcing him in a painfully stretched position. With another snap of his hands, the same warlock made Alec’s shirt disappear so that he stood in front of anyone with an exposed chest. The dark haired men whistled, clearly appreciating what he saw. With a smirk, he took the whip and brought it down on Alec’s back and front. Alec was barely able to scream anymore, only muffled noises escaping his lips. The pained sobs went through Jace’s bones, Jace was certain that he would never be able to forget this sound of terror and pain. The Shadowhunters only laughed, delighted by the sight of Alec’s tortured body, bringing down the whip again and again. At the end, Alec was not able to scream or make any other understandable noise anymore, he was not able to stand on his own. He just hang in the chains, his voice hoarse from all the screaming, quite sobs coming from his mouth. “Enough” Jace heard Valentine say. For a tiny moment Jace felt something like relieve. But if Jace had thought that it was over now, he had been wrong. Terribly wrong. Valentine stood in front of him, handing him the whip which was covered in his friend’s blood. “Show me what you have learned, boy. Or do you need one more lesson?” Jace shook quietly his head, his hand trembling. But he straightened his back and took the whip. He tried to blink away the tears burning in his eyes, knowing that any sign of weakness would make things even worse. He went closer to Alec, seemingly making sure that he was still conscious, but taking the opportunity to whisper a low sorry into Alec’s ear, so hushed that only Alec could hear it. Closing his eyes, Jace strengthened his grip of the whip and lashed Alec. One. He heard Valentine’s cruel laugh. Two. Three. With each lash, Jace died a little more inside. But on the outside he didn’t show anything. His hand was steady, his eyes lifeless. When he reached eight, Jace was allowed to stop. He could tell that Valentine was satisfied; finally he had made Jace torture someone. A step in the right direction according to Valentine. A curt nod signaled that Jace was allowed to carry Alec away and heal him.

Somehow they managed to reach Jace’s room. Alec was in no condition to walk, so Jace half carried, half dragged him there. As soon as the door closed, Jace started to apply Iratzes. Alec made only whimpering noises, he was barely conscious, which was a blessing, Jace thought. Jace knew from experiences that the healing rune helped, but was too weak to ease all the pain. Especially the broken rips would hurt a long time. When he had done what he could, he gently heaved Alec to the bed. He gave him some herbs he had stored in his cupboard to help him deal with the pain better. After some time, Alec looked up at him, with an expression in his eyes Jace could not quite decipher. “Next time when your father commands you to punish me, just do it.” Jace felt the tears coming he had suppressed for so long. Alec sounded so broken, so lost. He knelt beside the other boy, taking his hand in his, crying. For Alec, but also for himself. They were both broken and doomed. Alec let Jace cry, when he calmed down again, Alec pulled Jace a bit closer. “I’m glad you refused him at first. I know that you thought he would punish you instead. But I really think that next time, we are better off if you just beat me.” Jace nodded, knowing that the older boy was right, but also knowing that this didn’t make it any more bearable.

The next time, Jace gave in. When ordered to punish Alec, he just took the whip and beat Alec, ignoring the sick feeling in his stomach and also ignoring the obvious joy on his father’s face. Jace tried to be careful, to find the right balance between satisfying his father’s bloodlust but not marking Alec for good. He was quite good at it. Back in their room when attending to the older boy’s wounds, he stated. “I don’t think they will scar this time.” At that, Alec snapped. He screamed at the top of his lungs. “Do you honestly think I give a damn about scars? Do you think I care at all, you monster?” He leaped forward and started to punch Jace relentlessly. Jace didn’t fight back. He knew the other boy was right. He was a monster and deserved every punch, every pain. He just laid there, letting the other boy hit him again and again. As sudden as it has started, it stopped. With a sob, Alec pulled Jace into his lap. “I am so sorry, Jace, I am so sorry. I know it is not you who does these things to me. I know it. I just snapped. This is all too much for me, I am so sorry” he carried one, crying harder with every word. Jace just shook his head. “It’s okay, I deserve it,” he mumbled. This time, Alec shook his head firmly. “No, you don’t. You are not him, you are not a monster. I know that and I am so sorry, so terribly sorry for saying that. For hurting you.” Jace knew that he didn’t mean only the physical pain. They looked at each other, both having tears in their eyes. Slowly, Alec leaned forward to kiss Jace, something Jace had wanted to do for a long time, but he had never dared to give in to it, not wanting Alec to feel pressured into something. But when Alec kissed him, he hungrily kissed back. Alec tasted of blood and tears, and of Alec. A sweet, spicy taste Jace could not get enough of. He parted his lips a bit, to let Alec’s tongue enter his mouth. He never thought that a kiss could feel like this. When they broke apart, a small whining noise escaped his mouth, a noise he would never admit to have made. Alec smiled, a real genuine smile. He pulled Jace up, so that both were sitting on the bed. Very gently Alec placed kisses to every bruise he had caused on Jace face, kissing away all remaining tears. And then Jace felt Alec’s hot lips again on his, leaving him breathless and wanting for more. 

Jace and Alec grew closer each day, their feelings for each other getting deeper and more intense. Jace was still stunned that Alec reciprocated his feelings. At night, when they were lying in their bed as close as possible, discovering every inch of the other’s body, Jace felt in heaven. He could get lost in his lover’s eyes and kisses, but also in the stories Alec told about a world, where hate and pain were not the leading guidelines. Jace made sure to never push Alec, before he tried something new he always hesitated and asked for permission. He knew that Alec was in the far more vulnerable position, so it was up to him to make sure that everything was completely mutual. He could tell that Alec valued this a lot. During daytime, they made sure to show none of it. Jace was even harsher to Alec than strictly necessary, but his behavior gained Valentine’s approval – and as long as Valentine was happy with him, the punishments were less frequent and brutal. At night, when returning to the strong and protective arms of his lover, Jace could forget for a while where and who he was. But they both knew that they lived on borrowed time. 

One day, Jace was on a mission with his father, Alec laid on the bed reading a book Jace had provided him. He always tried to bring him things to keep him busy, knowing how dreadful boredom could be. Suddenly the door opened, revealing two men standing behind it. Alec tensed. Jace always locked the door with a rune and so far no one had ever bothered him in here, except for Valentine. The two men entered the room, watching Alec like predators watched prey. “Well, well, well, look who it is” one of them said in a hungry voice. “It’s time to teach the pet how to play with the grown-ups”. For a short moment Alec hesitated, not sure what to do, if this was something Valentine had approved of. But when the men came closer, he switched fully into his old self, into Shadowhunter mode. He fought back with everything he had. Thanks to the training sessions with Jace, he had not lost form, but the others outnumbered him and they were armed. At the beginning, Alec was able to hold his ground and to place some good kicks and punches. He smelled that the others had drunken, probably the reason they were here in the first place. Silently he prayed for Jace to come back. When the taller man drew his blade and landed a blow to Alec’s temple with the hilt, Alec’s knees gave in and he sank to the ground. The two men were over him in an instant. One was holding his body down, the other cuffed his hands, leaving him helpless. He felt fingers opening his fly and pulling his pants and boxers down. The other laughed, ripping Alec’s shirt in half. Alec bucked his back, trying to get rid of the man holding him down. But with his hands cuffed and the heavy weight on him, he had no chance. He heard the first man laugh while the other was unbuckling his belt, shoving his erection into Alec’s face. He tried to move his head had to the side to avoid it, while at the same time, he felt his legs being pulled apart brutally, exposing his naked bottom and genitals to his assaulter. Tears streamed down his face, which he hated but could not change. He knew what was going to happen and he knew that there was nothing he could do about it. 

And then suddenly Jace was there. With a scream he threw himself on the man sitting between Alec’s legs and with one quick move he cut his throat. The other man tried to back away, but Jace was faster. He lunged forward and buried his dagger deep into the chest of the attacker, missing the heart only by inches. If it were not for Valentine who showed up behind Jace, Jace would have killed him too without hesitating. But Valentine stepped forward, telling another Circle member behind him to heal the Shadowhunter and to bring him to the cells. They would solve this matter tomorrow. 

Thankfully, Alec and Jace were left alone afterwards. Alec had curled himself up into a ball, trying to cover his nudity. Jace threw a blanket over his boyfriend and knelt beside him, taking his head in his hands and gently forcing Alec to look at him. “Shhh, it’s okay, I’m here now. Did they….?” Alec could only shake his head, sobbing too hard to be able to answer. He buried his face in Jace’s neck, letting the younger boy’s soothing words and hands calm him down. When the night came, they crawled into bed next to each other. When Jace heard Alec’s breathing calm down and he felt Alec’s body relax, he was sure that the older boy was at sleep. “I love you Alec” he whispered lowly, “I love you so much”. 

The next day, Valentine was too busy to hold the trial. The boys were left to stay in their room, which they gladly did. After a long shower, Alec came out of the bathroom to find Jace sprawled out on the bed. He looked as tired as Alec felt. “Hey” he murmured softly, laying down beside him. They started kissing, but when Alec’s hand slipped under his waistband, Jace stopped. “What are you doing?”

They had made out nearly every night since they started their relationship, but never more, they had never crossed this line. Alec had stilled his hand, but he left it where he had placed it. “I want you Jace. I want everything of you now.” Jace shook his head, pushing Alec’s hand away, gently but firm. “No, you just want that now because of what these men did to you. But we don’t have to do this. We should not do this right now. You’re hurt, but I will protect you”. Alec just looked at him. “We both know that you cannot promise me that. Maybe you can protect me from Valentine’s men, but not from him. If he decides to give me to them… I rather want it to be you then. To be my first”. Jace looked away, the words hurt too much to face Alec. The worst was that Alec was right. He could not protect Alec, he could not even protect himself. A single tear was running down his face, which he wiped away angrily. He knew Alec was right, but nevertheless he did not want his first time to happen because of that. He had fantasized about having sex with Alec, he longed for it to happen, to be truly his, but he didn’t want it like that. He wanted Alec to want it because of him, not because of the circumstances. He bit is lower lip, turning back to the boy he loved. Alec leaned in and kissed him. Jace opened his mouth to let Alec enter, this time not hindering Alec to open his fly. It didn’t feel right, but who was he to deny Alec anything? Suddenly, the movements stopped and Jace looked up at Alec. “It’s ok, you can go on Alec. You are right, I cannot protect you. If this is what you want, we’ll do it.”

“But this is not what you want, is it?” Alec questioned him, sounding sad all of a sudden, rubbing tiredly at his face with his hand. Jace sighed, he hated making Alec sad. And he hated his incapability of using the right words at the right time. Nevertheless, he tried to explain his feelings to Alec, that he wanted him, but not under the current circumstances. “But it doesn’t matter, let’s do this.” 

“Of course it matters, YOU matter. Sorry for being such an idiot, the incident just scared me so much. And I heard you yesterday saying you love me, and I love you too, so I just thought…. But you are right. Tonight is not the right time for us, we will not let them force us. They don’t own us.” Jace had stopped breathing for a second. Alec loved him too! He just stared at him, not believing his luck. “I love you Alec. I always will.”


	4. Dawn

The trial was short, Valentine allowing Jace to choose the punishment. Maybe it was wrong to decide about life or death, playing god in a way, but Jace didn’t care. The others needed to know what would happen if they messed with Alec. He sentenced the attacker to death, carried out by Jace’s own hands. Jace was ready to sacrifice his quiet conscience for Alec, in fact he was ready to sacrifice everything for Alec, even if it was his own soul. 

The next weeks passed without major incidents. But Jace had learned from the attack on Alec. He knew that they were not save and that they needed to get away from Valentine, otherwise Alec would finally break. And that he could not let happen. In addition, this was the first time Jace had a real goal. He had fantasized about leaving Valentine before, not agreeing with his politics or anything the man did, but he had never known where to turn to. All he had ever seen was the Morning Star and Valentine’s world. This has changed; he had Alec now, and Alec had his family and friends to go back to. After the assault, Jace had secretly vowed to himself to bring Alec home, no matter what. Also no matter what the consequences were for him. Remained the problem how to leave the ship. Jace had not lied to Alec when he had stated that no normal Shadowhunter or Downworlder had ever succeeded in leaving without permission. He had seen many attempts, but all had failed. But what if – what if a not so normal Shadowhunter tried it?

Jace needed to do some research. The Morning Star held a decent library, and soon he found something interesting. He tried not to get his hopes up too high, but he couldn’t avoid the feeling of excitement settling in his stomach. He just had to verify one thing, and then he could tell Alec. He was not sure what Alec thought about his plan, but he would soon find out. 

During the next mission to capture a powerful warlock (which was a failure), Jace got lucky and found what he was looking for in the huge library of the warlock. Thankfully no one noticed him hiding a small old booklet under his fighting gear. 

That night, when Jace slipped into their room, he couldn’t conceal his excitement. “I’ve found it” he exclaimed, pulling Alec in a tight hug. “Found what?” Alec frowned. Jace sat down on the bed, pulling Alec with him. He tried to explain the plan he had figured out. When thinking about fleeing the Morning Star, he had realized that in deed it was impossible for a regular Shadowhunter to pass the protective wards. But hadn’t they all learned about Shadowhunters turning into something not normal? Alec looked stunned at him. “I know it sounds crazy, but I did a lot of research. I found several sources, which confirm that when Parabatai commit the crime of Eros, their bond will corrupt and they will develop into something else, into true Nephilim. The true Nephilim are much more powerful than any other Shadowhunter, some books even describe them as winged Shadowhunters. Wings, Alec! We could fly away!” Jace’s eyes were glowing with excitement.

Alec was sitting in silence for a few seconds, clearly stunned by this development. “But we are not Parabatai, and I’m pretty sure that Valentine has no hidden Silent Brother on board who could perform the bonding ceremony.” 

“That is true, but after digging really deep into the matter, I’ve come to the conclusion that we don’t need a Silent Brother. The concept of Parabatai goes back way beyond the creation of Shadowhunters, it started with the old Greeks. The word Parabatai itself refers to the ancient Greek term “heniochoi kai parabatai”, meaning charioteer and co-driver. They were not allowed to abandon one another, the charioteer driving and the co-driver fighting. They also formed a bond which was supposed to be a soul bond, lasting for eternity. The bond was sealed with blood. It was only later when we Shadowhunters adapted the concept that the Silent Brothers took over the ritual. In older books there are pairs of Parabatai mentioned from a time before the Brotherhood even existed. I think it could work Alec, I think it could actually work.” 

Overwhelmed by this news and their highflying emotions, they discussed every single detail of the plan. What concerned Alec the most was that no one really knew what happened when they turned into the true Nephilim beings. There were stories from Parabatai pairs who went completely rogue after committing Eros, but other stories showed that this was not inevitable. They figured that the difference was the grounding of the Parabatais. The ones who turned crazy in the end had always been ones without strong ties to other people except their Parabatai. Which could be a problem for Jace. Alec had his deep bond and love for his family, especially for his siblings. But Jace had nobody, except Alec. “You will ground me enough” Jace told Alec. “I promise I will stay with you. And if I fail, you have to kill me before I kill innocent people. You have to promise me that”. Jace looked up to Alec in earnest, the other boy slowly nodding. “I promise, but you will not brake yours so I won’t have to do it.” With this simple statement, he pulled Jace into a deep kiss, which soon got more heated. This time everything felt right and Jace didn’t stop Alec’s hand from opening his zipper, he didn’t stop Alec from pulling his pants down. He also didn’t stop Alec from kissing him everywhere. To the contrary, he started to kiss Alec back, to trace every single rune of the other boy’s body with his tongue, sucking at the bare skin, leaving marks wherever possible. He needed to mark the other boy, to claim him. And he gladly realized that Alec felt the same way, marking him in return. When they finally were completely naked, it just felt natural to pull the taller boy on top of him, spreading his legs invitingly for the other. When Jace eventually felt Alec insight him, he felt complete. He couldn’t describe it any other way, he just felt complete. Falling asleep next to Alec was always nice, but nothing compared to the night of their first time. 

The next day, they didn’t waste anymore time. Jace had snuck as many weapons as possible into their room the days before, therefore they were pretty well equipped. They were not sure if everything turned out according to plan, usually it never did. But both had agreed that it was worth trying and both preferred trying and failing (and most probably dying) over enduring the current situation. Jace made sure that the door was locked properly, applying a double locking rune. In addition he applied a silencing rune to prevent any one to overhear them. 

They started with the Parabatai rune. Both drew it on their hip, using both Jace’s Stele. After that, they cut each other’s wrist at the same time, using the blood of the other to redraw the rune. When both had finished, their runes started to glow and they felt a bond performing, stronger than they had ever imagined. Jace’s eyes widened in awe when he could feel all of the sudden everything what Alec felt, the flood of emotion overwhelming both. They just clung to each other until the turmoil ebbed away a little. The brilliant glow of the rune had turned into a faint shimmer, but when Alec touched Jace’s rune, tracing it lightly with his index finger, it lit up again sending a burst of energy through both boys. It truly had worked. From now on, they carried a piece of the other’s soul in their own, they were able to communicate through their bond and feel the other. “Time to consume the bond” Jace smirked. Alec laughed, complying happily with Jace’s request. 

They were laying naked next to each other, breathless and covered in sweat and semen. Having sex with the bond so new and raw, laying completely open between them, was a totally different experience than before. Besides that, nothing much happened. “Maybe it is really just a myth”, Alec assumed. “But even if it is, being a part of you is totally worth it”. 

Jace fell asleep sprawled over Alec’s bare chest, listening to the steady heartbeat of his Parabatai, a heartbeat which was his own now too. He felt calmer and safer than ever before in his life. When he woke up, he was not sure what had hit him. His back hurt beyond measure. Looking down at Alec, he could see the same pain written over his face, maybe even worse as he was laying on his back. Hastily both tried to sit up, but both nearly failed. Their back felt so heavy and raw and they felt so out of balance. And then they realized it. They had grown wings over the night! Jace reached to his back, indeed he could feel feathers. They were all crumbled together, but with all his willpower he was able to stretch his wings. They were huge and white, sparkled with golden dots, the end of the feathers were blood-red. They looked stunning, breathtaking.

Due to his unfortunate position on the bed, Alec had more difficulties with expanding his wings. But finally he managed as well. When they had thought Jace’s wings were huge, they were baffled when they saw Alec’s. Matching his taller statue, the spread was a lot bigger, they had to carry him after all. The feathers showed every shade of brown, from maroon to dark chocolate. Similar to Jace’s the endings had a different color, Alec’s being a velvet black. They looked at each other awe-struck, not truly comprehending what had happened.

They took their time to master their wings. The most important thing was to be able to fold the wings back inside. They needed to hide them until they were in full control of their new powers. Surprisingly, folding the wings back was one of the most difficult tasks. Flying to the contrary, was rather easy and came naturally to them. Obviously they didn’t have much space, but the huge training room allowed them to make their first attempts. This had to be enough. 

The wings were the one side of their new gained power, the other things were more subtle. When concentrating, they could activate their runes without needing a Stele, the runes being stronger than before. Even more important in their current situation, they could create a protective shield around each other when channeling their energy through the bond. They were quite confident that they could pass through the wards with it. And then they could just fly away and leave everything behind. At least that was the plan.

Unfortunately they hadn’t considered their new, raw and overwhelming feelings for each other. When they left their room at night, for good this time, they had geared up, taking all weapons with them. They just had to make it to the deck without being seen. The corridors were deserted and they had no problems reaching the upper deck. On deck, however, several circle members were assembled.

When the men noticed the two boys, they remarkably tensed. Alec was not supposed to be out of his room at this point of time, but they were not sure what to do. The last incident had clearly shown that Alec was Jace’s responsibility and that Valentine supported that. But nevertheless they were cautious. Maybe the boys could have solved the issue quietly, but sadly in that exact moment Valentine stepped through a door, his usual evil grin on his face. “Jonathan, what are you doing with your pet outside?”

This insult was enough for Jace to be pushed over the edge. He had always felt protective towards Alec, and with their bond so fresh and raw, this feeling had increased tremendously. He was hit like a wave by his emotions, a mixture between protectiveness, fear and raw, unmasked anger. Jace was drowning in this feelings. Without noticing doing it, he had spread out his wings to the full extent, an impressive picture. The circle members and even Valentine couldn’t move, too intense was the shock and disbelief. The next things happened in a blur. Jace urged forward on full speed, using his wings as weapons. Very distantly he registered the men around him falling to the ground, screaming and dying. Very distantly he realized that he was responsible for it. But his mind was only fixed on one thing: Valentine. Valentine had readied himself for the fight, one seraph blade in each hand. But nothing could stop Jace now. With his bare hands he reached for the blades, throwing them away in one fluid motion. His bloody hands clasped around Valentine’s throat and he kicked off the ground. He shot high up in the air – if it not were for Alec, who activated the protection shield from the ground, he would have flown full force into the wards of the Morning Star. But it worked, the wards let them pass through. He flew higher and higher till the Morning Star was nothing but a small spot on the ground, still holding Valentine by his throat. Valentine struggled desperately for air, fighting against Jace’s merciless grip. But is was in vain, slowly Valentine’s body shut down due to the lack of oxygen. The higher Jace flew, the more clouded his mind got and the more distant grew his emotions. He could barely remember who the man he was holding was, and why he held on to him. So he just let go. Valentine fell like a rock to the ground, hitting the water and vanishing in the deep, wide ocean. It was over. 

Jace stood nearly motionless in the air, only his wings flapping on his back, holding him in place. There was something, or someone, important on the ground. If he could only remember who it was. His whole body urged him on, to fly higher, to leave this place. Before he could give in to this feeling, he felt something else. His new rune on his hip started to burn, first steadily than with increasing heat. Subconsciously he placed his hand on the rune, the warmth of the rune radiating immediately through his whole body. And then he heard the calling. A familiar voice called his name. He was sure that the voice was only in his head, but the voice was so urgent, pleading and full of promise that he could do nothing else than give in to it. He dived and flew back to the ship. The closer he got to the Morning Star, the stronger the burning in his rune got till it was nearly unbearable. He started to remember again, the heavy clouds in his mind lifting. Alec was the first clear thought on his mind, the urge to get to him growing more intense. When he finally saw Alec, standing in the middle of the ship in a pool of their enemies’ blood, dark wings spread out wide, Jace knew that he had never seen something that beautiful. Furthermore he knew that he would always come back to that boy, to his lover, to his Parabatai. Always.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading and a special thanks to all of you who left kudos and took their time to comment, it really means the world to me.
> 
> At the beginning I planned to end this story here, but while writing the last chapter I couldn't help but think about another chapter/sequel to it. It would be about the boys meeting Alec's family and dealing with the clave. What do you think? Would anyone be interested in a sequel? Please let me know what you think.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading and leaving kudos and comments :-)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [It could have been love](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21870907) by [Polarnacht](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polarnacht/pseuds/Polarnacht)




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